Hey there, hope the family is fine and that you're doing well. You know how the holidays are when you see family twice a year and you have to catch up on ten months of information you've been kind of holding on to. Though well with Mom's Brother, wife and the cousins we did see them in September so it cut down on the need to blah a lot of information out to them. I've had some time to think about what this year has meant and what I've had to do to get this far.
Sure the finding job thing was awesome in February; though part time it has now led me to a world of dish washing. Thanks four year degree; plus it has let to a lot of self reflection and understanding that life isn't the bitch I thought it was. It was more of the hard ass mother F#$%er; that is pushing you not to settle for anything less than what you want it to be.
I used to say that we have to loose ourselves to find ourselves. Its funny that the statement isn't very true as the case would seem. We seem to put ourselves into corners we'd never look into until the worst situation possible forces us to look in those unseen corners. Those places we'd never go to in our minds, those unseen corners that hold the truth of ourselves; the ones we don't ever want to face. I've been discovering that with the pain, anguish, despair and heart break leads us to those corners to find something we didn't either believe we had or needed to find out about ourselves.
What have the past ten years taught me? How strong I really am, where my resolve is, where I can find the rocks I need on to lean upon and then build myself up again. Sure going through a bad marriage and worse divorce wasn't something that was ideal for me; and you did call it on how long it was to last. I think it took me that experience to realize that marriage wasn't that fairy tale after all. The work and time put into it was something I could do; I could fight for though couldn't live on my own.
Surely many have noticed recently the natural state of my personality and demeanor has changed; I think it's the natural evolutionary step. I remember what I had said to you years ago. I didn't regret. I do regret but not for the missed chances or opportunities that I passed by. I regret not enjoying the moment, savoring the time and holding on to those few moments I had. I let the journey go by with the need to hurry things up and get to the end. But really what is the end? Nothing more than a mad dash to the finish line to find something else out and start the race all over again. First it was high school, rush to get that done to get to college; another mad dash to finish that before grad school. Oops, can't do that baby and marriage. OK; mad dash to get the baby born ... you see where I'm going with that.
They say that youth is wasted on the young; I'd say its wasted on those that hurry up and not take the time to breathe. We seem to be in this race to: go home, sleep, eat, work, read, shop, drive and do other things that our daily tasks call us to do. We don't reflect anymore since we have to be watching something on the TV; going to movies and so on and so forth. We're so in the now of needing to be entertained we forget to entertain ourselves.
Some people ask me why I game; why I send so long at times playing something that a kid can do. It relaxes me; it forces me to think to reflect and to talk to people on getting a task done. Though no matter how many times I do the dungeon; the quest; if I want to level up another character I have to do it again. I have to remember how I did it the first time, or the second and to remember the mechanics involved to complete it. I enjoy doing it over and over again; its great to build a memory to assist when others have an issue or problem with it.
In looking back maybe if we savored those victories; those accomplishments and didn't feel the need to race to the end life would be different. If we didn't need to be better than and more worked with or assisted others to achieve what we have or had; there would be more empathy within the world. Yeah, I was thinking about this Thanksgiving while watching my Aunt take pictures of my cousins around Nana. I hope they savor the moments like those; cherish them as we grow older and more reflective to recall the wonderful times and how we had taken the time to soak it all in. Maybe then we can realize we're not in a rush to the end to greet death; but more in the moment of savoring life's experiences we can slow down and live. Food for thought.
Junie
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