Hey there! Happy Belated St. Patrick’s Day; hope it was as
fun as mine was. Bailey’s is just a wonder drink. So I’m not sure if you watch
the Vlogbrothers. Hank, the younger brother, came out on Friday. Link to vlog -à (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO-sqIoi_lQ
) I was wondering during that vlog as to what he was he really trying to get
to.
I
believe he was trying to explain it to the nerdfighter community; though with
his metaphor with the predator and prey aka the cruise missile and the kitten
he was trying to explain or bring up BSMD culture. Trying to explain that that
culture abuse is ok because of the two willing participates in the relationship
where my marriage is the abuse one wouldn’t desire. I don’t know if you know
about the BSMD community, I don’t know much about it so if you want to learn
more you’ll have to google it to get educated on it.
I think
he was commenting on the culture of how sexual abuse is out there. Now I can
comment on being a survivor of a sexual attack and how an eight year old girl
can pull herself up from being a gang initiation into the woman I am now. I can
comment about being bullied throughout grade school and because of that attack
oddly enough that bullying gave her an outlet to express her anger, hatred and
pain in a different way that most kids can understand.
I can
also talk about mental and emotional abuse as in my five year marriage. I think
that Hank should talk about that in one of his vlogs; to explain that abuse can
be mental and emotional as well. Let’s look at that for a moment. We were
dating, him and I, when I realized it wasn’t going to work out. I then found
out that I was pregnant. It was then it started. I wanted to pull away and run
but what he said scared and frightened me.
‘You’ll never find another guy to love you
and be with you now you have my child.’ Those were his first words to me
shortly after finding out. ‘Who would
help a woman with someone else’s child? If you want help you have to stick with
me.’ ‘It’s my child, and if you want to see her after she’s born you’ll stick
with me.’ Whether or not this would have been true, I was scared; scared to
the point I couldn’t tell anyone not even you and it killed me deep down
inside.
As the
marriage started I clung to my family, to you as support because I saw myself
drowning. Drowning in a sea of ‘oh dear god what the f*$k did I do?’ I thought
this is it, he’s going to rule my life forever. After the countless accusations
of cheating; which I never did. I had to admit to doing it just to shut him up
and get him to stop yelling and saying horrible things to me. He’s words after
that ‘You know if I throw you out of the
house, no one will ever take you in again.’
After
the last affair he had, and my parents helping me break through all the abuse;
I filed for divorce. It’s been now eleven years and I’m still repairing the
damage done. He’s on his fourth wife and the only reason I know is because of
our daughter. She’s on her second step mom and she’s never seen him in a stable
relationship.
I haven’t
dated; I’ve just been on one date. Why? To be honest, I haven’t had motivation
for it. I see the idea of a romantic relationship through movies and books; the
latest Kim Harrison book ‘The Undead Pool’ yeah that had it in there. It’s a
dream an idea that I can have in my head and imagine it happening. The moment
it becomes real then well my self-esteem comes into play.
I’ve
healed from the divorce, I left my baggage long ago. It’s that little thing of
a self-esteem and ego that come into play. I can love someone with all my
heart; but sometimes I’ll wonder if I’m good enough or did I deserve this? Yes,
I do deserve it. I think we all do. I guess it’s more of the timing and what is
meant to be. Will I date? Don’t know, maybe throughout these eleven years it
wasn’t meant for me so that I could focus on raising my wonderful daughter and
giving her the stable home environment she needed. She didn’t feel second rate,
or class to a significant other. She didn’t have to worry about me picking a
man over her; or thinking that I wouldn’t be there for her if she needed me.
I
wanted to show her that someone that went through the abuse I did; doesn’t need
to turn outward to find what they can inward and be okay. I love myself,
through the curves, fat and muscle. Every little or big cell I have in my body;
I know that I’m worth it. If others can see as well; wonderful they are my
friends. If someone wanted to ‘take a chance on me’; to coin the phrase. They’d
find a woman that was creative, outside the box kind of thinker, funny, happy
(normally), goofy, geeky and many other things; but they’d see me for me. I’m
tired of trying to look how society deems is fit for someone like me. Tired of
trying to look ‘cute’ or ‘sexy’ when I’m damn comfortable in my jeans and
t-shirts gaming. I’m just very tired of being something I’m not to the world;
that through the abuse I lived through I realized no one saw me for me. They
saw what they wanted to and were content with that.
I hope
that in the future that people will start to take down the walls of social and
cultural crap that allows such things as sexual, mental and emotional abuse. I
hope that we’ll start to see each other as people and not as a label of ‘geek’,
‘nerd’, ‘jock’, ‘fatty’ or other names. We are all here to make the world great
and yet in that effort of trying to be an individual we bring each other down
by words because we want to be seen and not just as a group.
So how
do you want to be seen Mike? How do people see you? Successful business man?
Funny guy? Work out buddy? What defines you and makes you … you? And to those
that read this, what defines you? Sure you can quote the Breakfast Club … “You
see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definition
but what we found out is that each one of us is: a brain, an athlete, a basket
case, a princess, and a criminal.”
But the
question I pose is how do you see you? Because in the end that’s really all you
should ever really worry about or care about.
As always,
Junie
