The old Mental Notes that time forgot

Hello Lovelies,

As things progress as time tends to push things through, I had a lovely night and worked. After helping with the puppy and Bunny’s homework, I was able to go down and do some paracording. The silence and peace of it all has started to help me remind myself who I am. As the evening was winding down I watched a streamer last night named “Fierce Kittenz” who was in a ren fair outfit (gorgeous colors) and sewing while talking about code. While sweating her ass off (though you couldn’t tell from the cameras at all) she was doing what she loved and having a blast. 

I should stream more though at the same time; I want to make sure I’m 100 percent for entertaining people. I want to be myself again, to realize the independent streak within me. To realize myself and worth regardless of who is in my life and where they are. To realize that even though I’m where I am, I can only try to improve and grow from it. 

I will say that I wait for my ‘true love’ to come to me, because going to him or trying to find him always seems to be folly. I’m done chasing, searching and trying to discover; that is where the heart break lies. I think with this last lesson has taught me to stand back; let fate come to you with what you’re ready for. As much as I would love to get the discovery and awkwardness over with and jump into it; it’s how you build and structure the future. As I’ve told others you need a good foundation of trust, mutual respect and to be both on the same page of what each other wants. 

For someone to be elusive to me and learn all about me without sharing back seems to be not as honest or as forthcoming as I deserve. I’m direct and at times blunt, I would like the same in return. The evasiveness wasn’t fun nor playful; it was like I was being tested or rewarded for being a ‘good girl’. I’m a woman and should be respected and treated as such. If I’m going to tell you the truth, if I’m going to be direct with you; that is what I would like back in return. Evasiveness seems to me that you’re hiding or not wanting to be honest with me and toying around with me. Now, this might seem like I’m mad or angry. Actually, I’m rather calm and reflective right now. 

I’m sure there will always be that awkward I don’t know how I feel stage, or I’m not sure if I want to do that can we just be friends. I respect that if it’s brought up in a way that is respectful and understanding. I know that one day I want my ‘true love’ to be my best friend. I want them to know me as much as I know them and we are complementing each other. Not exactly the same to be clones, but not completely opposite that there is nothing in common. Just the about the right amount of common ground to have a wonderful bond, but have enough diversity to cover things the other half doesn’t.

To be fair, I miss a lot of things at times because I think literally at times. I do have to change my mind set to go abstract or it has to be blatantly abstract. I would like my ‘other half’ to catch that for me and fill me in. I can do other things for them, where our weaknesses are they have it as a strength and vice versa. I don’t think that’s too much or too hard to ask for. 

What do I look for? Well if we click, if we have some similarities while differences that mesh well together. Physical looks are subjective due to I look for the personality and the integrity of the person. I’m a sucker for a shade/color of eyes and no I’m not telling. I’m sure I’ll get trolled enough with deep voices I’m not letting this one slip. I would love just a genuine man, with a good heart, lovely soul and the means to want to create a partnership with me. 

Though until that comes, I’m not going to harp, beg, plead or even whine about this. Why? I’m secure in my singleness that I can find things to entertain myself. Mr. Snuggles (my teddy bear, I have one don’t judge) as my snuggle buddy. My daughter for laughs and family moments; my extended family for the love and support of it all. If and when this man comes into my life; he will be an added asset to my life and others around me. 

I’m not going to change, just evolve myself. To improve and better myself; to keep myself happy and joyful while I continue to hang around this planet. Sure I’m going to go through rough patches, hard spells and even depressing times; but in the end I’m going to do my best to always center and ground myself to be the person I always try to be and aspire to be.

My family and friends both in real life and on the internet are always my growing inspiration to do and be better. Without them, it would be hard to always be as positive as I try to be. If you are one of them and you happen to read this blog; thank you. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be here without your love and support. I hope that for everything you all are giving to me, that I’m returning it in kind. 

Hope you all have a great weekend,

Best Wishes,

Junie

xoxo

Just pass the salt to apply on wound

Hello Lovelies,

Seems I’m salty still about this past weekend though in fairness I’m working on it. One doesn’t get over someone in just a few days. Well there was a general topic on Discord today about general men and women sayings and acts like the famous woman eye roll or a man’s using a woman to get what he wants.

I found it interesting as we were being put down (general comment so I didn’t take it personally) was made about women; I threw out a general comment about men. I did put in the comment the disclaimer that there are some good guys out there and this doesn’t include them; most of the guys said they were ‘good guys’ and wouldn’t do such a thing. Just thinking on that statement alone; us women know what we are and we don’t have to prove it to others. Guys on the other hand are so quickly to jump and say “I’m not that kind of guy” about in the end sometimes they are.

Many men (not a bash against all) seem to use the ‘good guy’ approach before they sink their teeth into your neck and drawn you of energy. They turn around and toss you aside to go to the next girl; though while you’re hanging on for dear life a good guy does come up. You’ve heard the lines before and you’ve heard the sentiment before; how do you know if he’s legit or not? You try it out cause well what if it’s the real deal; 9 times out of 10 you’ve got a bad lemon. I know this makes it harder for the nice guys out there, but it makes it even harder for us to trust and confide in a guy.

The sad part in all of this; it happens to both men and women. One of my best friends was trying to date a lady that he knew. She was saying she was interested and kept leading him on over and over again. They had great talks but she wouldn’t give him the time of day when it came to meeting up and doing things. Just kept him going on the hope he had a shot; mind you I know several women that would love to have chance with.

As a good guy is chasing a woman that doesn’t give him the time of day, there are others wishing they could have a chance with him. Since he’s blind to the other women around him; he misses his chance with a decent woman. As the lady that leads him on throws him back into the water; I’m sure his thoughts are salty and thinking we’re all leading men on. He then starts to turn into an asshole. As he changes we, the good women, are preyed on by Douchebags. We’re broken, damaged and salty in our own regard.

How does this cycle stop? How do we purge those that would poison our chances for a happy ending or true love? I would love to have a great good guy in my life, someone to help me and be my partner. I would be thrilled to have a man that was not only faithful (rather important in my life), loving, kind, talented in bed, and wanted to be a part of my life. Where are these magical creatures and how do you get them to notice you?

I’m not tall, thin, and I look like any other average ‘mom’ would look like. My ‘personality’ is a big factor, so is my gaming geekiness; and yet I get turned down by men gamers. I understand there is a formula, a chemistry that has to be there. Is it the ‘model’ of the guy I’m looking for is gone? Aren’t there anymore true gentlemen out there cause all I see are White Knights out there that can’t ‘fix’ me and can’t handle me.

Sure I have my faults and I own them. I do my best to fix myself and improve myself all the time. I’m not looking for someone to CONSTANTLY reassure me, cling to me, or to harp on me. I just want someone that tells me now and then that I’m beautiful, says they love me more than just one day a year. I would love to have someone that made me feel special during the year without a reason. Is this so hard to ask for?

It seems now at days since most ‘good guys’ are chasing after ladies that lead them on; I’m kind of looking at the rest of the pond and not wanting to settle for the little things I think are special. I don’t want harp on him, be the one that remembers dates cause he’s too busy being a man. I don’t want to be standing there looking at his face when he remembers it’s my birthday and he just goes ‘oh’. I want someone that remembers the little things as well as the important ones; if I have to do it why can’t he?

Yes, some of my friends if they read this would say I was over thinking all of this. This is what happens when my Pandora is stuck on Bryan Adams for two days. Many are asking if I’m ‘over him’ yet and I do have an interesting response to that.

It’s not ‘him’ I have to get over; it’s the time, effort, thoughts and feelings I have to get over. It’s the pain of being rejected, the feelings of not being worthy or special enough, the sense of self that I’m not a woman men want. It’s the idea and notion that I’m easily cast a side Its handling my self-worth and knowing that even though some guy didn’t want me, I’m still worthy of love and companionship.

I don’t have to think about ‘him’; it’s me I’m working on. So getting ‘over him’ is done; it’s the getting over the sense I was rejected that I’m working on. So being salty this morning kind of put my anger and my silent rage in check; that I was valid for having these emotions and that I’m trying to process them.

Within the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief; I have been hitting between anger, depression and acceptance. I’ve done the denial stage and by-passed bargaining cause why? Sure I’m angry and get depressed; I tend to then accept and try to move on. Then life is like “Oh no, we want more anger.” Knowing my personality, I get sucked up into rather easily because I haven’t let it process completely. Sad thing is I’m emotionally done with him, but not over that stupid little intangible thing called acceptance.

Acceptance oddly is the motivator of a lot things; and right now I want to be accepted by someone. Not just anyone but by someone that understands me. Sure I seem like some big fierce tigress but deep down inside I’m just this wounded kitty too scared to let anyone tend to my wounds while the salt makes it worse.

I’m not sure how to share this with my community, not sure how to explain this other than to type this out and just post it. I wish they would see the pain, sadness and the urging to belong and be accepted but I know I hide it too well. I can’t help but to hide it because I don’t want to be prey anymore to douchebags; it hurts far too much for words and to think about. Maybe one day I’ll find peace with what I have and let the dream go but for now it’s giving me home.

Best Wishes,

Junie

xoxo

The Loss of a Friend; Hope for the Future

Hello Lovelies!

I hope that everything is going well with you all. Things have been a bit crazy and sadly now a bit disheartening. I have always hope that one day I’d find the one. That special one that would be my partner in life. I recently suffered a setback.

He was a friend that had the promise to be something more and when I posed the question to him; he pulled away and left. Did this hurt? Yes, but I realized something in him leaving. Naturally it wasn’t meant to be. The pain of rejection and the loss of hope is being mourned and I’m not looking at the moment while I say good-bye in my own way. It feels like I wasn’t good enough for being friends just good for an emotional tease.

I look back at what happened letting him set the pace this time, letting him admit feelings when he was ready wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t that I was going too fast or he was going too slow. It was the way things were presented and the illusion of how things were. One day we’re close, the next we’re just friends; to another day I start to feel things but pull myself back.

You see we met last year and right off the bat it was a whirl wind set romance; until the middle of January something happened and he changed completely. Gone was the man I was learning about, starting to know and fall for and came a man that was distant and aloof. Slowly we drifted apart until silence prevailed.

Then July happened; and after that cluster fuck of drama that ensued he came back into my life. About mid-August there was the understanding we’d try again and he had feelings for me. I presented him a question almost two months after to see if he wanted to be friends or something more. He wanted to be friends and then backed away completely.

Yes, I am lost and confused by this. I have spent the weekend going over it time and time again to see what happened; what did I miss and where did it all go wrong. I can’t see that I did anything wrong. Bad timing, he’s own feelings not being truly understood and just at different periods in our lives. I am sad and working past it. I’m not trying to hold anything on it, or over think it death. This is pretty much the last time I’ll talk about it, so I’m purging all of my emotions while writing this out.

I’ve always strived to be the ‘good woman’; the honest one that would be willing to do anything for those that I cared about. I would be willing to wait and willing to hope that he’d come back. I’d pretty much put my life on hold until that person found themselves and came back. This is the second time he left me hanging. I’m not going to wait for a third time. It is time to move on, time to be me and not hold myself back anymore.

So where does this leave me now? Leaves me again at step one; looking for the right one. It’s making me see who is really there for me and to see who my friends truly are. Without them it would be rather hard to get through things like this. The self-doubt, the self-insecurities, all of the negative things that happens after with a ‘break up’. The worries and scares about being let go and forced back out into the world of what the fuck to do.

I know I’m not alone though in the sea of being friends with married and engaged people; seeing them happy and in love; I miss that. I wish I had that. I’m not jealous at all, not at all. I know the struggles and am so thrilled to see others together. It gives me hope that it will happen to me as well. I don’t want love that is just there to make me feel less single. I want love that is meant to be and will last for many many years to come. I know it is something I have to wait for but for how long?

How long does one truly have to wait, have to search, have to hope before they find that person? Will the other one recognize them when you find them or are they looking elsewhere and miss you completely? I honestly would love for The One to just show up at my doors step and say “Here I am”. Though sadly its easier said than done.

I’m trying to hold onto hope, a sign that he’s out there. I can hope that he is striving for the best possible partner out there like I am. The greatest gift one can give someone else is true love and trust, maybe one day I’ll be able to give that to a true love. Well that is my little tale of woe about relationships; I hope that the future is kind to me and helps me through this.

I would like to say thank you to all of those that have helped me this weekend. From lovely works and sound advice, and for the words of encouragement and insight into my personality and character. Thank you to those that stayed with me, and talked to me through this. You are all wonderful and dear people that I couldn’t be prouder to call friends and family. Thank you.

As always,

Best Wishes,
Junie