Tales from Customer Service

Morning all!

                Two blogs in one day, holy crap! I can be productive at work, shhh don’t say anything it’s just between you and men right? Soooo, how are you all doing and how are things going for you? I’m doing good and right now I have a moment to talk to you all. YAY!!!

                So in my last blog I gushed a bit and yeah, I know I only uploaded it a few minutes ago. I had been working on that blog for about two weeks. This new job that I have taken has been one that is not only humbling but strengthening as well.

                How can it be strengthening Junie? You sit all day and answer phones, that’s not exactly strong work.

                Oh you are sadly mistaken in that assumption my friend. Customer service, like retail, takes a lot of personality, talent and skill not to murder your fellow human being. We are the scape goats for not only customer inaccuracies, but the companies as well. Yes, we do make mistakes but out of the realm of crap that goes wrong and we get the calls for it; customer service really is to blame about 2% of the time. YAY, us!

                Sometimes we’re not even the issue, in a recent slam poetry vlog I saw ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u32XwObvTNA ) the Waitress at the end has a perfect point of view of exactly how human interaction works. It’s not me that people are pissing upon, it’s the job and how little respect they have for us in this position. It’s not how quick you want your stuff, or that your stuff was on back order at the time of your call.

                It comes down to people waiting to the last minute and assuming that the crap they need is laying on the shelf just waiting for their order to come in. Then the product is lovingly picked up from the shelf and walked over to the packers that hug and kiss it and show it how much we’ll miss it. That’s before it’s gently put into a box and sealed up with love before sending it out to you.

                Not hardly, the amount of orders I have to process within a day and I’m not the only one doing. We have a full department of people putting in orders, processing payments and getting calls for more orders; that our stock goes quickly. So if your Johnny waits until the last minute for his school supplies and we have to do something special to it; he’s not going to get it on time because of the time you waited and assumed we’d be ready and willing to get things out to you.

                Johnny forgot that he’s not the only student in his class, let alone isn’t the only class that needs these special items for the class. On top of it, Johnny forgot that the entire school has to order the same shit for the same class and now instead of one order for an item; we’re dealing with 400 to 1,000 orders.

                Sure we have stock, hell we had over stock for this but what little Johnny and the other students don’t realize is. Mary down in Florida just opened up a store that needs that exact item as well for her employees and needs it as well. Oh don’t forget that a long time customer named Bob, who’s just gotten new staff and needs this item as well and also the 2 to 3 thousand other students from 4 to 5 other colleges that are ordering the same damn thing.

                So to break it down we’d eventually run out of stock anyway you look at it. We have the reserves and those that make our product can only move so fast to get things done for us. Hell, if I knew how to put things together I’d volunteer to help just to get the calls to stop coming. But it’s not about the product, nor is it that I’m the one dealing with the angry, stressed out call. It’s the assumption and the belief that you can wait as long as you want without any forethought or understanding that other people might need the same damn thing as you.

So now you’re pissed off because you were late in sending it to me or my fellow co-workers who put it in when we could. Your kid will get docked points from class or get kicked out of class and who is to blame for all of this? Don’t look to me, and don’t expect me to take the blame on it.

Yes, I can see that there are issues when we do mess up. I will totally admit it and apologize for it. The last time I checked I was human, but I’m not here to take the abuse nor the angry ranting and raving from delusional people who believe their shit is more important than another and I’m here to make sure they get that hug from their mom or that call from their dad (watch the video it makes snese for this reference, link is above). In the end, you have to remember to treat everyone like you’d want to be treated yourself. That is the first and foremost thing anyone could ever do for anyone in the world.

Don’t get upset at customer service, don’t get pissy or angry. We’re not out to get you nor to fark with your order. We’re here to help, answer questions and process your orders. If you want to bitch, whine, complain and all that fun stuff; I’d suggest you log onto a game kill some NPCS and move on with your life. That’s what I do when the bane of humanity comes into play and I can’t handle being yelled and screamed at anymore.

                Of course there is the ‘Junie, if you don’t like it you can always get another job!’

Thank you for that uplifting statement. Yes, I know I can get another job and I’m looking for another job. I’m currently sending out apps left and right; but this job right now is just that. It’s a pay check and a way to get health care and not have to wait 10 months for medicade to come to me. Let alone hope and pray I could find a doctor that would take medicade cause most do not.

Sooo to sum up because there is far too much to explain. Be nice to customer service and those in retail; we’re humans as well. And remember, this is a launching off point for us in our career not our goal in life. We could remember you in another job and that’s where connections and networking come into play. It’s good to network with us, we might help you with your next job or really really big super order. =D

Best Wishes,

Junie

IF I had the balls to meet Nathan Fillion

Hello!

It’s been a while since I have been able to write. Change in majors, change in work and a bit more driving time and even the short one has started her schooling again. So, with all the changes and all of the new stuff in my life I haven’t been able to really write lately which has been kind of upsetting to me.  I want to write more just need the time and energy to do it.

Sooooooooooo, my lovelies I give you this. If I had the balls to meet Nathan Fillion, I would look into his wonderfully blue eyes and ask him to say one thing to me. I’d ask him to tell me one silly little thing. “Just tell me, Mr. Fillion, it’s going to be okay.”

Why not ask him to say something else, Junie?

I don’t want to hear anything else really. This year has brought quite a bit of challenges that I wasn’t ready to handle. Nothing too pressing but just unnervingly stressful for me, and I don’t handle stress well at all. Hence why I game, I can let out my anger and frustration out easier on killing an NPC than trying to kill a lamp or fire hydrant.

These stresses have caused me to lose sleep, sanity at times, my wits, and even gaming time to handle things. Through it all though, I look at other people’s lives and I know I don’t have a ‘powerful tale of woe’ to tell to get sympathy and that’s not what I’d want. Why I don’t go into detail on what is going on with my life. I know there are people dying , sick, and struggling to survive. I know that there are people who don’t have homes, jobs or even a way to get out of the messes they are in.

I’m grateful for my situation at present. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a way to work. I have a job that is paying my bills and I’m looking at it as a launching point for something different. Sure the stress is real, my back keeps reminding me as it gives out from time to time but I’m actually a really kinda happy person.

Sooooooo, why Nathan Fillion?  Well if you watch my stream, or talk to me you know I’m a Browncoat. His character had been through the worst of the worst. Lost his home, survived a war, doing what he can to survive without completely betraying his morals. Kind of like my own character that I’ve role played on a Serenity mux.

Nathan’s character still had hope, still had a dream things would get better and he would do what he could to make them better. Nathan, himself, has gone through a bit. Losing the show that he loved to play in, working hard to make ends meet before he landed his show on Castle. He’s a great guy to fans as well.

A people’s actor that not only understands his fans, but understands life and how we all have to survive to get along in this crazy world. To ask him to say “It’s going to be okay”, is not only the man reassuring me that things will be alright; but it’s Captain Mel Reynolds telling me that as well.

Now if I had the balls to do it. Oh that’s the other little slice of heaven I have to work through. I’m a very timid sort of person that can admire and be fans of my idols from far. I can be as vocal as I can be through the internet but to meet them face to face. Yeah, I get really really quiet and hardly able to speak. My shyness (Yes, I’m shy … shhh!) and my introverted-ness comes out to play and well there you go. Very silent Junie sitting in the back of the hall to watch what is going on but not saying much at all.

I think like many, we’re in awe as to who is around us and watching them like some tall idol that we can’t touch. I’m thankful that Nathan is more personable with his fans just I don’t have the sac to get the nerve to say something to the guy. Sooo, instead of trying to pay for a ticket to get to a convention where he is at and just sit there watching and being shy as crap. I write this to one day inspire me to do it. If I ever do, yes I’ll have pictures but until then maybe just one day I’ll see him on a show and hear him say those lines and be content I heard it.

Going slightly insane in the world of Customer Service,

Junie

O Captain! My Captain!

               How shocked I was to hear that you passed, that you had departed this world of ours for the great beyond. How sad and pained I was to hear that you had to take your life to start a new journey, that we couldn’t help you bring you joy as you had brought us joy. How I tear up now knowing that every day forward will be without you touching our lives in one way or another. Yes, I know you have a few more movies to come out but after that; you’re bright light has gone out.

                How I wish I could have met you while you were here. To talk to you and thank you for the countless laughs, the family bonding moments, and the personal saving you did for me. I’ve suffered through depression, I have go through the pains and trials of some rather painful experiences. There wasn’t anything that a Robin Williams movie couldn’t fix, patch up, or not laugh to.

                When life starts to crap down on one, I would always suggest a great Robin William’s sketch or movie to watch. From how the Scottish invented golf, to watching Hook to believe in fairy tales; there wasn’t anything you couldn’t do. Yes, I would watch Hamlet to see you in it. I watched many a movie to see those jokes, that wit and of course for that magical moment we would laugh at something you had improved.

                The Genie is now free, and as Aladdin had to watch the Genie go; we are having to do it as well. Watch you go where we can’t follow yet and miss you terribly. I thank the heavens for you tube, your movies and TV shows to provide us with your grace, presence and therapeutic need to laugh when life has us down.

                I never thought I would have to say good-bye to one of my childhood heroes so soon and yet with such deep regret. You taught me how to be funny, and find the pleasure of making someone laugh through comedy while deep down inside I was in pain too. You taught me how to use comedy to mask my introvert ways and be able to be in large crowds. You taught me how to improvise on the fly and so so much more.

                Robin I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, my family, my friends, and everyone in the world. I know that words, expressions and accolades wouldn’t be enough to express our love, adoration and great sense of loss to see you go. You reminded me so many times during my life that life was meant to be lived and not a moment should be wasted. Thank you for that.     I wish your family the best, and can only offer up my deepest condolences to them. The pain they are going through is truly something that John Green would say ‘demands to be felt’.

                I can only hope that through this times will change the way we view depression. That we can change the minds of people on how we deal with issues like this. That people see mental health as far more something we can talk about and work together on than like you, having to hide it until it becomes too unbearable to live with. I won’t lecture on mental health, too many are doing it now; and really this isn’t the post to do it in.

                I will miss you greatly, deeply and truly. My childhood hero, Popeye, Patch Adams, and My captain …. Oh my captain. Who shall try to lead the ship now with your passing? I honestly don’t know who can and now we are set to drift for a long long time. I can only say that I hope you find the peace now, and that you’re looking down on us with a large smile that you have given us throughout the years.

Thank you so much for all that you did for those you didn’t know or weren’t able to met,

Love

Junie

Misconceptions of heritage verses nationality.

             As I write this while driving on the railways of the country I am visiting, yup I’m in the EU at the moment. I am listening to two local gents talking about life and family as they sit behind me. I keep myself nice and quiet just to slip in and blend in with the locals. The moment I speak people are easy to peg me as an American. Soooooo, sitting in my seat and just listening I hear this conversation from the two gents.

            “My Dad’s family is in town, we had to pick them up and bring them home yesterday. They think they’re (insert country here) but they aren’t. Their English, well more than that, they are American. They can’t be (insert country here) because they don’t know us, know our ways and their accents are horrible.” This gent proceeded to then berate how Americans ‘claim’ to be from a country they weren’t born into and ‘pretend’ to then know the local customs and try to assimilate into the culture that is rejected them out right for trying to be one of them.

            Now, I can understand if we, Americans (Yanks, what have you), do go around rudely and do pretend to assume we know the customs and move on like we own the place. Sure there are dolts that have no clue as to what to do and how to do things in another country. My grandmother is an immigrant and does know the customs and has passed them down to her daughter and to myself, her granddaughter.

            I can see how they can think we are claiming what we are not, saying “I’m Irish or I’m German”, and not being born there. Sure we use our heritage to identify our roots and forget that when we are in the other country we have to turn and identify ourselves as American. We mean no disrespect to the locals by this, not at all! We are proud and delighted when we can go back to the origins of our families to see where they grew up, where they lived and how they lived.

            Many in the EU get angry or pissed off and then go around saying we’re nothing but rude and silly Americans. Again, I’m sure this is case by case, however in hearing this conversation with these two gents I have to wonder is this more wide spread than what I have heard. I didn’t get myself involved in the conversation; I didn’t want them to know I was American and ‘eavesdropping’. It’s just said that there is such a mix up as to what we are really trying to say.

            I grew up in Chicago, and as many know it was separated by streets and cultures. You had Little Italy, Chinatown, Germantown, South Side Irish and so on. You identify with where you were brought up and raised. I was brought up south side Irish, with south side German. I do know the traditions that were passed down from my great grandparents through my grandparents and parents. I do say that I’m half Irish and German, that’s how to identify myself within American culture.

            What I think many people misunderstand and I think we fail to communicate to them is that we are American with heritage of this and that country or countries. We do assume and that is your error that our accents set us apart from other English speaking countries. We do have the sweet lovely accent of the Irish or the strong firm accent of the Scottish, we’re not the English (England), no one can ever mistake us as Welsh, and our accents are neither Aussie nor Kiwi.

            In the respects that our accents set us apart and we assume that EU then understands we are talking about where are roots are from. Sure, it is assuming on both parts of this conversation. And I’m not faulting one side or the other, I think we are both to blame for the mistakes and mishaps. I would love to talk to some members of the EU to understand their side of it. I would like to find a better way of now only conveying our roots of where we came from, but how that ties into our identity as Americans. I think if we can find a better way to show our respect for the cultures we are from; to the countries we are visiting (being the native countries our families are from) we can find a better bond and try to reestablish a link to continue to keep the culture alive even in America.

Just in my humble opinion.

Junie

Times are changing and so am I

Dear Sanity,

                I know we haven’t talked much since I started to blog but now with school is done for the semester I thought we’d have a little chat. Sure, I will be blogging still and continuing to do so under this address now. What happened to your letters to that guy? Are you still going to write to him? 

                The blogs are still there and not anymore. It’s time to move on and evolve this post into something more than just writing to someone from the past. It is more of writing to the future and to everyone on the internet. More of a boarder letter that I would welcome anyone to read, comment and suggest anything they want to talk about.

                Why pick sanity? Well in an insane world who would you write to? I could have picked logic but then again it’s rather unemotional and empathy is far too emotional to let logic into it. Sanity seems to be it is a wonderful blend of both ideas mixed up into one that everyone can relate to.

                What will you blog about? Oh what’s going on in the news if it tickles me. Games, of course, vlogbrother responses and other vlogers; possibly other blogs and what happens in life. I will get to my ‘job’ later in another blog. (Sorry sweetie no spoilers)

                I haven’t caught up on Dr. Who since Netflix hasn’t updated it’s seasons past 6, plus been doing some work in real life with recovering from school. Looking for a new job and even going ahead and working on more gaming projects. Yes, streaming more is a goal for this summer. So if anyone has any topics please comment or send me an email to gamingmomvid@gmail.com.

                Any nerdfighters, please bring up some great ideas as well. I do enjoy many forms of geek culture and gaming as well. Right now, playing the hell out of Wildstar beta and can’t wait for the release! Off to try another class and spec … talk to you later.

As John Green said in a vlog once.

Got to go,

Junie

Let’s talk about Net Neutrality.

                Well ladies and gents Hank Green put up a very good debate about it with himself. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc2aso6W7jQ) Yes, movie magic to explain how there are two Hanks in there. Well in watching this I did write to the FCC as you can see below and I encourage you all to do so as well.

                We are looking at the age of Empires revisited sadly enough. Instead of the Barons of Steel and such; we have the Barons of Oil we’re looking at the Barons of communications. This is covers the internet, mobile and even v-phones. V-phones are internet based phones like Vonage and companies that use the internet for communications.

                You see Comcast as already slowed down Netflix and sadly I can’t even use it anymore on my blu ray due to the low speeds on it. I can watch on my phone or the computer which kind of kills out the idea of sitting around the living room for family movie night. I think that what Comcast has done and can do is wrong.

                I would encourage people to contact the FCC; Hank did put the links in his vlog they will be down below as well for your convenience. I think that we need now is to band together and tell the government we aren’t going to let companies dictate to us what they will and won’t provide us. Why do we have to accept what Comcast deems is acceptable for our internet usage based on the package we have for the internet?

                Yes I use Netflix; I shouldn’t have to pay for higher speeds due to Comcast slowing down Netflix to milk money out of me. What’s next? Slowing down vongage and other net based phone companies because we don’t want Xfinity Voice? Does that mean if the bandwidth is slowed down am I not going to be able to call anyone? What if I need to call 911; does that mean my call might not go through?

                There has to be limits and regulations on the cable companies as to what they can and can’t do for gain or retain customers. Since they’ve already squeezed out most of the competition; thanks Time Warner and Comcast for that. When I mean squeezed the competition I mean that Time Warner and Comcast would charge NetZero and other ISPs a fee for them to use their cable lines. They raised their fees and now well … not many companies can offer ‘cable based or cable line’ internet. Most can work on a DSL base and if you’re not close to the HUB with a DSL it isn’t exactly reliable. However it is an alternative to the Cable based companies.

                With that said; who’s to say Comcast and other moguls aren’t looking at buying into the DSL market? Yes, I do realize this is all based on speculation however with the precedence already in play with Netflix; many wonder what they will do next. I think that with Hank and Bernie Su and other content creators on You tube as well as us streamers on Twitch have to wonder if our work will be effected. This is a slippery slope that we are on; how much do we allow them to dictate to us and how much will we fight back for our right to the internet. One had to figure out if the net is really worth fighting for or are we going to let the companies dictate to us how much it worth is to us to have it.

Below is my comment to the FCC. What are your thoughts on it?

As Always,

Junie

PS: you want to check your net speed? Here’s the link; what you think you’re getting from the internet might not be exactly what you thought. http://www.speedtest.net/

PPS : Hank did provide all of the links to contact the FFC in his vlog. Please make a public comment here!

http://apps.fcc.gov/ecfs/upload/begin... Tell the FCC that they should reclassify broadband internet as a telecommunications (or "Common carrier") service. Right now broadband is regulated like TV or radio, which doesn't make sense. This is a public comment for the public record...official government stuff... so you'll have to include your actual name and address.

You can also email the FCC directly here: http://dft.ba/-tell_the_FCC If you want to help some organizations that work their butts off trying to fight the telecoms, check out: Save The Internet (from FreePress) http://www.savetheinternet.com/sti-home Public Knowledge: http://www.publicknowledge.org/
And contact your congress people: http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml *Thank you Mr. Hank Green for all of this information.*

To the FCC:

                I am a Comcast user and I have used their services not just for entertainment but for communication. You see has Comcast flipped over into the telecommunication service when they started to provide their own brand of ‘internet phone usage’ with their Xfinity Voice. This is a phone service that provides communication through their bandwidth. Now our family doesn’t use this service we use Vonage. Who’s to say they won’t slow down the bandwidth so that we don’t receive or aren’t able to make phone calls with their ability to control the competition? I won’t be able to make 911 calls because of the lack of bandwidth. I took the OOKLA speed test; and mind you we have the medium package of Comcast. Our download speed was 28.86 Mbps where our upload speed was only 5.93 Mbps. What if Comcast wants my family to pay for more bandwidth to use a phone and there is an emergency. There is a chance we aren’t able to call 911 for help due to the low bandwidth.

 If Comcast isn’t listed as a telecommunications service; heck if the internet isn’t classified as a telecommunications service people will be at the mercy of corporations. These corporations won’t be then held accountable by the government on any level and will be able to do anything they wish. We look to you; to keep these companies fair and balanced. Since Comcast has been already lowering the bandwidth with Nexflix who’s to say they won’t do it to Vonage or other communication devices because it’s not their service. They have jumped into the telecommunication ring; now it’s up to the FCC to make sure they are adhering to the rules and regulations that the FCC has put forth to make things an level playing field. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

To sleep perchance to dream that's the rub

Yeah, the job search thing isn’t going so hot. It’s failing kind of miserably and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I fill out a lot of apps and go to stores weekly; it doesn’t seem to be enough. The ‘office’ jobs I could have had are gone; and I’m stuck with part time work that is only scheduling me for one day a week.

                Yes, I’ve talked to the managers. One manager doesn’t have the hours or the funds; I understand because it gives me a discount on my school books which I need. The other job the manager just nods her head but because I don’t fit into their clique I lose out on the hours.

                There are events I want to go to; plus a trip I have to save for. It’s hard to do that only making 90 dollars and 71 dollars every two weeks respectfully. It’s hard to be a mom and handle a teenager on that as well. I’m a smart woman; but its hard to get passed that first interview.

                Don’t even get me started on the weight issue. I was just reminded today that I need to loose weight before the trip and well I haven’t. Eating the right foods, work out and everything that I’ve done doesn’t lose a pound off of me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and wishing I can find something I can do right for a change.

                Maybe the ex was right saying I’m nothing and won’t accomplish anything in my life. I try, oh gods do I try not to believe it. Remember that email I sent to you days after I was laid off? You had some leads for me but then I didn’t hear from you after that. I heard that a lot from my friends, co-workers and such. Promises for help and yet left to my own devices.

                I’ve been trying so hard these three years to bounce back to clean up things and make things right with the world. I’ve been on linked in making contacts and yet no offers or hires. My skill set is so broad that no one wants my experience and for what I’m going back to school for I don’t have the experience to get those jobs either.

                I’m just a pile of frustrated mess right now and only writing to you to make sense of it all. Really that’s what this blog was for to make sense of it all and I’m confused as hell right now. I know you and others aren’t going to sweep down and save me; rescue me from this. Everyone is busy with their own problems and their own needs. It seems I’m there for everyone but when it comes to someone being there for me everyone is too busy.

                I understand they all have lives to lead and I’m not saying poor little me. Just a friendly call, or an inspiring email; something to lift the spirits up. I just am having one of those ‘Oh god what do I do moments’ when everything I had hoped and dreamed kind of falls a part in my hands and I’m left holding pieces to a puzzle that I have no idea what the picture was.

                I’m babbling and rabbling I’m just lost right now Mike. For all the words I can write, the inspiration I can give; I’m trying to soldier on but I am human as well. I need to be inspired; to be touched and cared for as well.

                It’s hard sitting here, writing this and as the tears are falling hoping spell check is catching all the oopsies and mistypes. First time I really let my emotions go like this. Letting them vent and showing a bit of me on this blog; not the self-assured gamer but a woman that doesn’t have her shit together but is trying so fucking hard to that at times it kills the spirit to see what I have to do.

                I won’t wish you here; or hope you’d call. I know you won’t; and yet I still write to you. I still beg in this for some wisdom from you to come through and help me through this. To tell me to chin up and look here for work or pat me on the shoulder and tell me it’s going to be okay that job you want is right around the corner just hang tight. I know I was stupid when I was younger, pushed you away and made myself pretty much the last person you’d talk to. I understand and recognize my mistake; you moved on and that’s great.

                I don’t long for the past; I just am frightened of the future. What will it bring and will I be able to handle it for the kid’s sake? I’m trying so hard to be the mom I wanted to be to the kiddo; I can only hope that in the future my past will show I did a bang up job. Even though we only shared a kiss once a long time ago; the kiddo has your eyes. Lovely shade of blue that at times when I talk to the kiddo; the wisdom that comes out is amazing. As if there is a channel between the two of you and it’s my only hope for sanity. Though I won’t to the kid about this; it’s not something they need nor do they need to know the stress I’m under. Sometimes I want the kid to think I’m okay, and that I have things figured out. One little illusion so the kid doesn’t think I’m that much of an oddity of a mom that doesn’t have a career or a plan of what to do for the future.

                If you ever do find these blogs and read this one; I do wonder what your response would be. Would it be to chin up, find a job and ride the ride until its through or hang in there that dream job is just around the corner; here let me show you. At times I think that I’m just dreaming this nightmare of three years; that I’ll wake up and it’s back to the grind and I have a full time gig. Not the gig I wanted but it paid the bills. What I wanted/want needs to be created for me; and I’m trying.

                Keep reading that ‘Secret’ and the laws of attraction; I keep hoping and when reality smacks me hard like it is now. I have to wonder did I fail yet again? Did I make another mistake and will pay for it again? Seems that’s all I do, and in trying to get it right I keep getting it wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Indeed.com isn’t working for me, job fairs, and the like aren’t the answer. I’m just at a loss in what to do; if you speak to me in dreams that would be awesome because it seems I sleep a lot more instead of wallowing in depression. Speaking of which … off to dream and lift this depression off for now.

As Always,

Junie

Trying to Wake up

                So, I’ve been up for an hour and still wanting to crawl back into the bed and snuggle up thinking it’s better to just sleep and forget the day. Sadly I think that work wouldn’t be too pleased if I didn’t show up today.  Well I was on the blog and noticed that I’m almost to the 300 mark of RE: Where My Ladies at? Blog response to ‘The Brain Scoop’. I want to say thanks to all the readers that have read it and that those that do read my blog.

                Sorry I’m not as consistent as I would like to but we know how real life likes to just pluck it’s self into our lives. I would like to write more, there was a recent posting of the Avengers hunks pointing down at the viewer and its labeled “You should be writing.” Though sadly it’s void of Jeremy Renner who plays Hawkeye.   

                Yes, I would love to be writing more and blogging about things. I’m going to try and blog a bit more about things. What kind of things? Mmm, depends on what life has to offer in the way of content. Funny to think that life is content that we view every day and have to comment on. If you think about it life is nothing but content that we are constantly talking about that is reflective on what we have thought our world should be.

                I won’t go on a tangent about the horrible and rather sad events of the shooting at Fort Hood or the stabbings in Pennsylvania. I just hope that those that need help get it and that those that are grieving are eased into the comfort that we are thinking about them and they are in our thoughts.

                I can only hope that maybe in the days, months and years to come they can look back and learn from what is going on around us. Maybe create or find some way to stop these attacks and keep people safe. I know there isn’t a law on the books nor would a law that could be thought of or drafted that would be passed that take weapons away. We have to think more outside the box more outside of the natural understanding to help those in need mentally and to work at a better understanding of mental health and the sigma it represents.

                Mental health like physical health, needs to be addressed in the understanding that it’s alright to get help from a counselor. It’s ok to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. As much as we spend on health care to go to the doctor for this and that; we should be able to accept and understand when someone needs to see someone for what’s going on in our heads.

                I have a feeling the misconception of mental health has gone back since the late 1800’s with the movie’s glamourazation of insane asylums or even ‘Girl Interrupted’ movie adaptation showing mental hospitals in the 1960’s. Yes, even the movie ‘One Flew over the Coo-Coo’s Nest’ (which was a book before the movie adaptation) shows the misconceptions of mental health care that have continued through today.

                We need to realize that mental health care is something we should all invest in. Like the body, the mind does wear down and break down. Not everyone has their ‘shit’ together as people would say and others do need guidance after an event. Sometimes getting help isn’t something to be ashamed about; it should be respected and praised.

                To get help doesn’t mean you can’t handle your life; or you’re not able to live life as you normally would. It means you’re seeking help and needing assistance just like you’d go to seek help or assistance for high blood pressure or regulating your cholesterol. The more we embrace such help and the more it becomes the norm; maybe the less we’ll see attacks like these because these people sought help and weren’t worried about the social stigmas that are associated with it. 

The icky topic and the culture we live in

                I knew it would come up more and more since I’m putting myself out there more and more. As in my past blog; I touched on a few things that well weren’t the happiness in my life. (Hank Green’s vlog on abuse) Well on the single adult nerdfighter’s group on Facebook someone posed a poll done about ‘When is Rape Okay?’ as seen here (http://www.thescoopng.com/photo-of-the-day-when-is-rape-okay/) This was taken I believe from the little snippet below it in 2003.

                I was, as you know, in such a way back in 1984. I was only eight years old. I never told anyone until I was an adult about it. First to my parents and then you to and then to a chosen few others. Who did this? A boy trying to get into a gang that was coming into the neighborhood. Did he know what he was doing? No, and nor do I think if he understood; he wouldn’t have done it. I was threatened yes, boys much much older than me threatened my parents’ and brother’s lives if I said anything.

                My mother had was recovering from cancer and had been able to start back to school to gain skills to go back to work. I was in a strict catholic grade school being picked on daily for being a geek, nerd and a mouse looking girl. I didn’t want anything to happen to my family, I was ashamed and thought that God didn’t love me. I had done something so terribly wrong and so horribly unforgivable that this was my punishment. I had to be better at everything and with a girl who has a learning disability it’s hard to fathom what to do with all this pent up anger and rage.

                Welcome to fights and using my helplessness as a wonderful fuel against my bullies. Sure for the next four or so years I had more detentions than I did recess to go out and play after lunch. My bullies didn’t realize that what they did to me was show I could survive anything and live. And as I type this, I’m having a panic attack remembering this; so if I don’t make sense for a bit I’m trying to calm myself down.

                My bullies would make fun of me, hit me and try to get me to lose my cool. I did –many- times, but in that I learned how to fight and stand up for myself. I learned how not to put myself in the situation where I could be taken advantage of physically again. I was the girl that would put her nose in a book to avoid the real world; I would disappear in a sci fi book or maybe even some random mystery. The boys would try to find flaws and crack and exploit them not realizing they had already been exploited and horribly pried open to the point I was a savage animal trying to lick my wounds and hide.

                Do I blame these boys for doing this to me? No, their torment taught me how to handle my anger and rage. How to grow a thick skin and learn that if you don’t respect the person you don’t respect their words. I learned so much about people during those years how to learn to trust but not too much. How to learn to accept a person’s word only to make measure them up to their word by their actions that followed. It’s how I know that in the future no matter how hard things get, I know I’ll survive it.

                So what do I think about the culture we live in? We are horroribly desensitized as to how we respect and treat one another. We have forgotten that we are individuals that owe not a damn thing to anyone else unless we offer it. The ‘entitlement’ that people have now, that has been growing since the 60’s and the 70’s is just astounding. It doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have, who your parents’ are; or right down to it what you think you deserve. It comes down to how –YOU- show –RESPECT- to people and appreciate them for what they do in your life. (Not yours, I’m sure you show your appreciation to everyone in your life)

                In reading those study questions in the link I have above. The questions are just assanine. I don’t give a F#$K how much money, how turned on, their sex life, if they are stoned or drunk, touches wherever, let them on, gets them excited, dated for a while or was going to but changed mind; if the person says no get the F#@K off of them and stop it. And I didn’t say he or she; I do know several men who are survivors as well.

                It’s not the fact we had to go through this for a reason, though I’d like to think that in my stories of what I’ve gone through if I can inspire someone to take a better path in life then it was worth it. What happened to us was something horrid and unfortunate; wickedly cruel and horribly mind changing. We survived, we have pressed on and we have a great more empathy in the world than most. You’ll never hear me use the word ‘rape’ casually like many of my fellow gamers do. You’ll never hear me talk about it on live stream. When the word is throw out in chat, I do my best to change the word.

                When talking about a boss just wrecking face on a raid and just slaughtering us; I don’t use the word rape to describe the slaughter. Many do and I find that horribly damning to ourselves to allow such a word to become as common in our language as milk. Its not a word that should ever be used to describe anything other than a horrid act done to someone by another.

                Has this changed my view on men and dating? Again after the divorce and the several years of mental and emotional abuse; I can say it was a factor from the start. Will this stop me from starting friendships and dating? It does make me nervous to meet new people but how are we to grow if we don’t learn to face things. I haven’t dated since the divorce and for me that’s fine; I’m not in a hurry while I’m raising the child.

                All in all I’m okay. I’m better than who I was before; I have learned to let go and how to do daily personality excerisies to keep myself happy. Oh and keeping myself happy; I’m the only one that can do it and allow it. Might as well do it while I can. It’s all I can do really until I can find a full time job.

                I just hope that in the future people get to understand how to pick their words better and how to care for their fellow human being and allow them the same respect they are wishing back. Alright off the soap box.

As Always,

Junie

Hank Green's vlog on abuse

               Hey there! Happy Belated St. Patrick’s Day; hope it was as fun as mine was. Bailey’s is just a wonder drink. So I’m not sure if you watch the Vlogbrothers. Hank, the younger brother, came out on Friday. Link to vlog -à (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO-sqIoi_lQ ) I was wondering during that vlog as to what he was he really trying to get to.

                I believe he was trying to explain it to the nerdfighter community; though with his metaphor with the predator and prey aka the cruise missile and the kitten he was trying to explain or bring up BSMD culture. Trying to explain that that culture abuse is ok because of the two willing participates in the relationship where my marriage is the abuse one wouldn’t desire. I don’t know if you know about the BSMD community, I don’t know much about it so if you want to learn more you’ll have to google it to get educated on it.

                I think he was commenting on the culture of how sexual abuse is out there. Now I can comment on being a survivor of a sexual attack and how an eight year old girl can pull herself up from being a gang initiation into the woman I am now. I can comment about being bullied throughout grade school and because of that attack oddly enough that bullying gave her an outlet to express her anger, hatred and pain in a different way that most kids can understand.

                I can also talk about mental and emotional abuse as in my five year marriage. I think that Hank should talk about that in one of his vlogs; to explain that abuse can be mental and emotional as well. Let’s look at that for a moment. We were dating, him and I, when I realized it wasn’t going to work out. I then found out that I was pregnant. It was then it started. I wanted to pull away and run but what he said scared and frightened me.

                ‘You’ll never find another guy to love you and be with you now you have my child.’ Those were his first words to me shortly after finding out. ‘Who would help a woman with someone else’s child? If you want help you have to stick with me.’ ‘It’s my child, and if you want to see her after she’s born you’ll stick with me.’ Whether or not this would have been true, I was scared; scared to the point I couldn’t tell anyone not even you and it killed me deep down inside.

                As the marriage started I clung to my family, to you as support because I saw myself drowning. Drowning in a sea of ‘oh dear god what the f*$k did I do?’ I thought this is it, he’s going to rule my life forever. After the countless accusations of cheating; which I never did. I had to admit to doing it just to shut him up and get him to stop yelling and saying horrible things to me. He’s words after that ‘You know if I throw you out of the house, no one will ever take you in again.’

                After the last affair he had, and my parents helping me break through all the abuse; I filed for divorce. It’s been now eleven years and I’m still repairing the damage done. He’s on his fourth wife and the only reason I know is because of our daughter. She’s on her second step mom and she’s never seen him in a stable relationship.

                I haven’t dated; I’ve just been on one date. Why? To be honest, I haven’t had motivation for it. I see the idea of a romantic relationship through movies and books; the latest Kim Harrison book ‘The Undead Pool’ yeah that had it in there. It’s a dream an idea that I can have in my head and imagine it happening. The moment it becomes real then well my self-esteem comes into play.

                I’ve healed from the divorce, I left my baggage long ago. It’s that little thing of a self-esteem and ego that come into play. I can love someone with all my heart; but sometimes I’ll wonder if I’m good enough or did I deserve this? Yes, I do deserve it. I think we all do. I guess it’s more of the timing and what is meant to be. Will I date? Don’t know, maybe throughout these eleven years it wasn’t meant for me so that I could focus on raising my wonderful daughter and giving her the stable home environment she needed. She didn’t feel second rate, or class to a significant other. She didn’t have to worry about me picking a man over her; or thinking that I wouldn’t be there for her if she needed me.

                I wanted to show her that someone that went through the abuse I did; doesn’t need to turn outward to find what they can inward and be okay. I love myself, through the curves, fat and muscle. Every little or big cell I have in my body; I know that I’m worth it. If others can see as well; wonderful they are my friends. If someone wanted to ‘take a chance on me’; to coin the phrase. They’d find a woman that was creative, outside the box kind of thinker, funny, happy (normally), goofy, geeky and many other things; but they’d see me for me. I’m tired of trying to look how society deems is fit for someone like me. Tired of trying to look ‘cute’ or ‘sexy’ when I’m damn comfortable in my jeans and t-shirts gaming. I’m just very tired of being something I’m not to the world; that through the abuse I lived through I realized no one saw me for me. They saw what they wanted to and were content with that.

                I hope that in the future that people will start to take down the walls of social and cultural crap that allows such things as sexual, mental and emotional abuse. I hope that we’ll start to see each other as people and not as a label of ‘geek’, ‘nerd’, ‘jock’, ‘fatty’ or other names. We are all here to make the world great and yet in that effort of trying to be an individual we bring each other down by words because we want to be seen and not just as a group.

                So how do you want to be seen Mike? How do people see you? Successful business man? Funny guy? Work out buddy? What defines you and makes you … you? And to those that read this, what defines you? Sure you can quote the Breakfast Club … “You see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definition but what we found out is that each one of us is: a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.”

                But the question I pose is how do you see you? Because in the end that’s really all you should ever really worry about or care about.

As always,

Junie

Sooooooooooooooo Gaming!

                Yeah, so I had originally started this blog about gaming and what I’m doing and all of that. I haven’t really gotten to that part yet until now. YAY! With new computer, mouse, keyboard and soon headphones and microphone I will be able to stream again. I was wondering if there was any Nerdfighter gaming groups on twitch.

                Okay, I know you’re going to ask what is a nerdfighter? No, we do not run around fighting nerds being we are them. Well a nerd, geek, what have you. And those that saw the Nerd Vs. Geek from Rhett and Link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tvy_Pbe5NA ) we don’t do that either, though I’m sure if we’re on a gaming platform we might try to pwn each other at times for funsies. =D

                However, I was wondering if there isn’t a group or collective (not Borg) of Nerdfighter gamers out there that we could make a group to support each other. I know that Towelliee has his Hammer Squad and there are other groups out there. Why not create a streaming group that supports nerdfighters and helps those that want to learn how to game or get tips in gaming?

                ATM I’m playing World of Warcraft (Wow) and Skyrim; though I’m sure if can gain some revenue through donations that I can resub to Star Wars: The Old Republic (TOR). So are there any Nerdfighters out there that have a group or want to form a group for streaming? Let me know in the comments or email me at gamingmomvid@gmail.com. I’d like to start a group on Twitch (http://www.twitch.tv/) and if you want to come and see my site though I’m not on at the moment I’m at my channel (http://www.twitch.tv/junie_von_esch). Let’s make gaming full of awesome and help to decrease world suck one level at a time!

As Always,

Junie

Family we need vs. The family we want/intend

                How’s it going? I hope things are well and today I feel a bit reflective. As you know I’ve never had to walk in my daughter’s shoes before. Well never thought I’d have to, she’d have to walk in mine. As things go on with her father, I always had this guilty feeling that I didn’t give her what I had as a child. A proper family aka a nuclear one; you know a father, mother and siblings. What she has is my parents (her grandparents), my grandmother (her great grandmother) and my brother (her uncle) as her ‘nuclear’ family. Not to say her father isn’t in her life, more he lives a bit away and isn’t overly involved in her life unless he believes his visitation is due and he contacts me.

                I have to think at times if the proper nuclear family isn’t what she needed but more it was what I wanted for her; and in turn that the family she has now is what she needed far more. I’m not going to say anything about her father; nothing needs to be said about him. I’m merely reflecting that the way I was brought up wasn’t or might not have been as effective as how she was.

                I remember finding it a treat to go to my grandparents’ houses and that it was like a vacation for me. A time I could get away with things because I was the grandchild and my parent’s rules didn’t apply to their homes. She lives with her grandparents and has to abide by their and my rules; so there is not that little vacation where she can be free. Not to say she doesn’t have her enjoyments; but she’s required to do chores around the home.

                I can just imagine the lack of support or how things could have fell through the cracks if I didn’t have the extra eyes around. When she was younger I was working full time and had a career; so I didn’t see everything. I don’t know if I was with a husband if he would have caught it either. From what I see due to the extra eyes and just how much they love and care for her; they are better at watching out for things and tending quickly to what needs to be taken care of.

                Its true I haven’t dated since the divorce and haven’t remarried due to my need to give her a stable home environment. I feel this is the family she needed to show her what a stable home was like, what a true family was instead of the constant flux of in and out marriages someone else might have/had. I did want her to see that we have to put others wants and needs above our own; to make sure they are happy and okay.

                So my need to give her a family might have always been the family she has now; and I should stop feeling guilty about it. Maybe this is what she needed instead of what I wanted; and in truth I’m rather glad and grateful for the extra pair of eyes. Though mind you, they do not under mind my authority as a parent nor do they parent her around me. I am her mother and their roles have been decided a long time ago. I guess that in thinking of trying to get out there again to possibly date again, I have to look at that she’s okay and so am I.

                The stigma of dating a pre-made family has started to drift away and he wouldn’t be raising her; we’ve done that for him. I guess in looking for a ‘companion’ (Hey, even a human can look for one so nah nah any Whovian’s out there.) I’m not looking for someone to help me raise her; my family has helped do a wonderful job in that already.

                I hope that in the years to come as she gets ready to graduate from high school, she’ll be happy to see all of us in one long row waving and cheering her on. That is myself, her grandparents, great grandmothers, her uncle and her grandmother on her father’s side. I’m sure her father with a guest (step mother or otherwise) and they will be providing support as well.

                I just hope she knows that what I meant to give her as a family was well intended and the family she received was the one she needed more so. My good intentions might have paved the way but in the end she’s a happy, bright and rather loving young woman that I hope makes a lovely and wonderful name for herself. Andin the end creates the family she wants and needs all at the same time.

As Always,

Junie

Ladies Survey 2013

Ladies Survey 2013 

Sooooo how are things Mike? Well I take it. So I’m doing this thing, well more like answering questions about a ladies survey. I found the round up on you tube, so thought I'd share my answers here. If you’d like to see the video I was watching to respond to these questions link below. This is a response to Rosianna Halse Rojas on You tube (aka John Green’s personal assistant I believe.)

1.       Do you agree that women have a harder time on the internet than men?

Answer: Yes. Why? Well that happens to be a loaded question that most people blurgh blah and garble to explain. There are many points with counter points that I’m sure we’ve all heard before. Agreeing with or disagreeing with is your own cup of tea; mine at the moment Vanilla Almond tea from Republic of Tea. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

To be honest anything that has a woman’s label on it is first looked at, dissected and then put back together again before even being read, listened to or watched. Why? Due to the very long and sadly historic understanding that women are not able to do such things like create, have a mind or be able to think constructively. Though there have been many pioneers sadly this is still a thing and really it’s rather old and tiresome. Long and the short, it’s a woman deal with it and listen or GTFO. =D

2.       What is the best book/article/film video you’ve seen this year about womanhood?

Answer: That is sooooooooooooo easy to answer I’m giggling as I look up the link. The You Tuber is named ‘albinwonderland’ and the title of her vlog for this link is “Fake Geek Girls”. If you live on tumblr you’ve seen her with her lovely pink hair tied back and really laying the smack down on the notion. (here is the link to the you tube vid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0ggK9-TBVY )

She breaks down the idea of fake geek girls since a gentleman named Tony Harris (who is a comic book artist) said in a Facebook post that most female cosplayers as “Fakes” and that “they (girls/women) didn’t know anything about comics”. I like her take on the understanding that yes we do read, yes we do dress up and hell we know more of the cannon of the comics than Hollywood writers could ever dream about.

P.S. Really ANOTHER relaunch of the Fantastic Four? Honestly I don’t care what color the actors are, but seriously why another reboot? We had a Fantastic Four movie in 1994 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109770/ <-- It was a thing don't understand it but  ... there it is ) then the Fantastic Four moves in the early/mid 2000’s. Really it has all been done and said lay off of it. Please reboot Daredevil or GhostRider, they soooooooo need the love!

3.       Is a focus on supportive networks of women beneficial or harmful to ‘the cause’?

Answer: Both. Many gamers will understand this reference as I answer this. When you start off on the internet as in a game, you’re first few say 1-15 levels should be a slight hand holding or guide based grind to understand how the internet/game/life works. Then as you’ve gotten up to that level you can start to dungeon crawl your levels up (yeah I hate grinding up levels through unrelated or completely crap content) you join a group, gain levels and hope your loot is good to help you continue your internet climb. As you start to get some experience you can slowly let go of those addons/tutorials and so on to that helped you to let you learn your class/character/life and so on.

When you’ve gotten to the point you’ve let your ‘help’ go, it’s time to go on your own and make something of yourself. Make your channel/vlog/blog and so on yours and join a community that is going to go with you and help you evolve as a player. Sure when you get new content you kind of need a little bit of help but no one likes a carrier.

Junie, what’s a carrier? This is where networks get hard on women everyone knows about it but doesn’t talk about it unless to bitch. A carrier is someone (can be a women or a man) that doesn’t work their way up, has someone grind them or just push them to their highest level possible and then expect others to do the same. To ‘carry’ them through dungeons or events; to help them because they are so used to someone helping them they can’t put forth the effort to do it one their own. You know the lazy bunch of people that just sloth their way through life and blah blah blah. It’s the carriers that put the kinks in the system and you end up with the ‘Leets’ being the way they are. Damn internet hipsters =D

4.       What have you done to support female creators over the past year? Are things better now than they were this time last year? What do you pledge to do in the next 12 months to support female creators?

Answer: I did help the creator of ‘Scary Godmother’ with her on-line page to create a line of Scary Godmother dolls. Yes, I think she is and good on her.

I am also a part of the Nerdfigher’s Kiva page and I do assist when I can those in third world countries with their businesses. Its hard to keep track of them but I hope that they are better now than where they were last year. I will continue to do what I can for Kiva and if there are women creators out here that do need help, I’m always willing to assist. (fingers crossed) (Kiva Nerdfigher page http://www.kiva.org/team/nerdfighters )

5.       Who are my five favorite (sorry can’t put a U in there) internet females?

Answers: A) Felecia Day who created Geek and Sundry. She started out by creating ‘The Guild’ and then branched out from there. She’s a very talented actress and a brilliant creator.

B) Kim Harrison  - who is a great Sci Fi writer and keeps up a wonderful presence on Facebook and Twitter.

C) Hannah Hart – Three words “My Drunk Kitchen”

D) Rosianna Rojas – A wonderful English woman that has rather thought provoking vlogs that make you think and enjoy what she has to say. Why not? I’m making a blog about my answers to her questions.

E) Emily Graslie – from ‘The Brain Scoop’. I love just learning and being educated by her vlogs plus since she’s in Chicago now at the Field Museum its very awesome to have someone local having such wonderful content. (See my blog to one of her videos where she does ask ‘Where are my ladies at?’  (her video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRNt7ZLY0Kc&list=UUkyfHZ6bY2TjqbJhiH8Y2QQ --- my response http://dearmikebestwishesjunie.blogspot.com/2013/11/re-where-my-ladies-at-blog-response-to.html ... Which to date (being 3/7/14) has over 255 views.

Sooooooooooooo, what do you think? Let me know or take part of this survey. You can find Rosianna’s vlog to the questions here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8ELJzVZ8jg)  you can do a video response to it or what I will be doing emailing since well … this isn’t exactly a video.=D 

Let it go ... That perfect girl is gone ...

                Have you ever watched the movie “Frozen”? No, I’m not going to ask you about building a snowman or the first time in forever was when …. More of the idea of ‘Let it go’. Have you ever had that let go moment where the world is being a dick and you’re just like fuck it I’m out?

                I know I have had that, I have had those days on and off for the past seventeen years. I try so hard to succeed in something and get nothing for it but heartache and a lesson of how to travel down the easy path instead of working hard for what I wanted.

                Now I’m not saying that we shouldn’t work hard for what we need. I just saw Cate Blanchet say ‘hashtag suck it’ to Julia Roberts. That was pretty epic. I have to wonder when do we ‘let go’ and let whatever it is that guides us take control to do what we were meant to do? I have to wonder at times, not in letting go but am I going to be getting to where I need to be?

                Are they taking me in the direction I need to go to support my child and to help out my loved ones. There are so many questions I could really just fill up the full blog with them and yet not get the answers I want. I might if I’m very lucky and listen very closely I’ll get the answers I need to hear. Mostly it’s the standard … “Hang in there, God has a path for you.” “Don’t worry the universe has your dreams and giving it to you in perfect time.” Or the ever famous “If you wished it and willed it into being, it will come.”

                Trust me I’ve wished and willed Nathan Fillion to come to the door and take me out on a date. Sad to say for ten years that still hasn’t happened; damn this Universe needs to get hoppin. Though the ever wanting to work for the Green brothers (yes, Hank and John … bucket list bosses!) Well that and Joss Whedon … Soooooooooooooooooo would work for him and the Green’s. Can you imagine the epicness of that?! Damn, need to watch Ellen and the Oscars more for some great ideas and maybe … ooo I could noooooooooooo. Yes, maybe just maybe I could win an award.

                Well, have you just ‘let it go’? I think I will starting tonight. Just letting it go and fuck it, let the winds of chance, the compass of destiny and Joss Whedon’s Crazy Random Happenstance guide me to where I need to be. So let it go, let it go … Can’t hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go, that perfect girl is gone.

                I don’t care what they’re going to say; let my destiny coooooooooooooooooooooooom! Change never bothered me anyway!

As Always,

Junie

So the Pain in my Ear says ...

                Well things have been crazy here. Mom and Nana were in the hospital. School started and time slipped away from me. With so much to do I haven’t had much time to write or blog about anything. Sure I could have commented about health care today, how doctors are or nurses; blah blah blah. Not like I need to be all dark and depressing on ya.

                So I sit here in between homework and mehing about my ear. Yeah, my ear. I can’t get it to drain properly and it’s backed up. I haven’t any health insurance so I can’t see a doctor. Yes, I know about Obama care, and it takes at least a week to fill out medicade get it looked at and while my temp gets a bit higher I’m no closer to seeing a doctor than if I had a medicade card. The sad thing is in my state most doctors don’t see people with medicade due to the low if at all pay out. So I’m kind of stuck unless the job fairy sees fit to give me a great and awesome job; maybe the job that Joss Whedon is my boss. (Cross fingers)

                So let’s talk for a moment shall we? Well more like I’ll write, post this and have lots of people read it but not you. I know you’re busy with your life and you don’t need some college friend hanging around you like some lost puppy. (Not lost just slowly wandering through life looking for a path) That’s all well and good, and yes I know I’ve written to you and not heard anything back. It’s all well and good no bad feelings about it.

                I just can’t keep ignoring the dreams and the feelings that I have that we need to talk. What about? No clue, just we need to. Though I don’t expect you to call, write or anything else so I guess this is my vain attempt at talking about this. Writing to you as if talking to you would clear up this pain in my ear, the headache in my head and the sense of loss in my heart; in some ways I feel better I’m getting this out and not keeping it to myself anymore.

                In otherwise I feel bad about it. Horrible actually. All these years of caring about you and hoping things are going well; missing you. I’ve tried closing the door, grieving for you and then moving on. When I think I’m done and there are days or even months without thinking about you; it comes back like a haunting memory. I don’t stalk you; I don’t even look for you on line. My last message to you was my good bye; my last letter to allow me to move on. The only letter I ever said I love you in. Yet, as if some damn higher power is giving me this horrid ear ache because I wasn’t listening to them to write to you again; here I am.

                Typing away and knowing that it will sit out there, people will read it and I might still have this ear ache making myself look like an ass just to reach out and get this need out of me. I know that and understand it. My heart and my inner child say you’ll read this and reach out to me. Maybe with a nod, or a little note; though my inner child says you’ll call. I know you’re far too stubborn for that and will read it and let it go like you have done in the past.

                I guess I want to say I worry, I care and I hope things are good. I miss the friend I had and long for the friend you are now. I miss the man that I could go to about anything and he could help me. Even if you can’t help me get a job; you’re words and actions always led me to believe you could do anything. I know I might have done something when I got married; and I didn’t mean to hurt you if I did.

                If there is any thought that I rejected or didn’t think you’d be something wonderful; you’re so wrong. I know I made a large mistake and if I have to be alone to pay for it; I understand. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m so sorry and I wish I had picked you. But now winter has come and I must understand that no matter what it just wasn’t met to be and I do wish you happiness. I will point out with all my blathering and blithering I am sick and my headache has gotten worse. So I’m not even sure if this is making sense anymore. It might not.

                I just know there is so much I wish I could say I was sorry for that there isn’t a blog big enough to go on about it. I’m just tired and wishing to lean against you and you can take this pain in my ear away; give me a hug and tell me things will get better. I know I’m your average middle aged woman that is a bit curvy and hasn’t lost much weight. I know I’m not the beautiful women you probably see on a daily basis. I’m me, short round and happy me. I won’t forget my promise to you, you won’t be alone. I’m here, not waiting but riding alongside you in a car not talking much to each other. We might see different things, have different experiences but in the end we’re still in the car just looking out of different windows.

                Alright the pain in my ear is strong enough I’m going to go lay down for a bit. Take care of yourself and I hope you’re doing okay and thing are well. 

Post-Christmas Blues, Pre New Year Gitter

   Well after the ‘Wham Bam Thank you … (insert name here)’ on –slaught of presents, cards and well wishes. Yes, I did my standard ‘and a happy new year’ or ‘Happy Yule’ style greeting. It’s now the time to look over the bounty of what I have received and to be thankful for all of it; yes, I mean all of it. Sure Aunt Harriet didn’t have to get me the size pants I wanted in the wrong size while she gave my brother a brand new headset with awesome stereo sound quality. Sure she might have spent more on him than me, and really a pair of pants isn’t something I truly wanted more like filler as in what else to ask for. She spent the time and patients to comb the racks for something that was close to my size. I am thankful for the gift now it’s going to save me at least thirty dollars when one of my work pants dies and I have to find a replacement in the next five minutes. 

                Ah, the pre-New Year gitters. I get the same question every year. “Sooooo, Junie! What are –YOU- doing for New Year’s?” My standard reply for the past ten years is “Gaming, watching the ball drop on TV and then leveling up some more.” I know hard core …. Not. 

                Truth is I don’t want to go out anywhere. I want to be at home watching reruns of Firefly, Sherlock, Dr. Who and other shows I’ve missed throughout the school term and level some characters for raiding. Sure I see the people having fun and having someone to kiss for New Years. Yes, I do kind of long for relationship again. But I’m not going to go all boo hoo on my lack of not having what I don’t need right now. 

                I find it’s easier to just enjoy the time with family and friends, not have to drive anywhere to drink and then possibly get pulled over for drinking and driving. Or the standard road block where they test EVERYONE to be safe and you get annoyed cause you haven’t been drinking and it’s a waste of time. (Deep breath and sigh)

                I’m hoping to go over to my brothers, have some lunch then come home to a small dinner and do what I do every year. Bunny is at her Dad’s and as much as I miss her; I know she’s spending time with him and building a relationship with him. So I’m content in my little island of gaming to pass the time until she comes home.

                And before you ask; I’m not looking nor am I trying to figure out how to improve me to get someone. I don’t mind the window shopping; it’s a nice little activity that helps me compile a list together. So if Mr. Right comes around; I can determine if he’s Mr. Right or Mr. Right now. 

                I’ve seen my ex bounce from woman to woman; and from what I hear there is always a betting board on how long his current marriage would last. I never wanted Bunny to see me bouncing from man to man to man. I wanted her to see that a mother can be strong, independent and yet be able to handle her own without ‘needing a man’. At Christmas, someone did ask me about dating and such. They wanted to know if I wanted one or was looking.

                “Sure I’d like to have a great relationship with a gentleman. I would like one that had a wonderful understanding between the two of us and that he accepted me for who I was and what I am.” Meaning, that as curvy as I am; sure I’m losing a pound or two; I still am a woman that has a strong personality, self-esteem and self-confidence that I will not be swayed easily into the mold he wants me to fit into. Sure I can play parts like as if I was improving on a stage; but that’s not –me-. I’ve dealt with enough losers that want to put me into a box; I’m declaring myself box free. 

                So! Off on to New Year’s resolutions. I always have a fail proof approach to them and always keep them. It’s an easy formula to learn and anyone can do it. I don’t make any. I enjoy looking at the New Year with the clean slate approach and crossed fingers hoping for the best. Indeed, I always hope. Well … I do have to toddle off now but I hope for you and your family as well as everyone out there that we all have a wonderful, happy, healthy and enjoyable new year. Oh god, 2014 mm mm let’s hope another World war doesn’t start this year. Sorry, history buff.

As Always,

Junie