Well things have been crazy here. Mom and Nana were in the hospital.
School started and time slipped away from me. With so much to do I haven’t had
much time to write or blog about anything. Sure I could have commented about
health care today, how doctors are or nurses; blah blah blah. Not like I need
to be all dark and depressing on ya.
So I
sit here in between homework and mehing about my ear. Yeah, my ear. I can’t get
it to drain properly and it’s backed up. I haven’t any health insurance so I
can’t see a doctor. Yes, I know about Obama care, and it takes at least a week
to fill out medicade get it looked at and while my temp gets a bit higher I’m
no closer to seeing a doctor than if I had a medicade card. The sad thing is in
my state most doctors don’t see people with medicade due to the low if at all
pay out. So I’m kind of stuck unless the job fairy sees fit to give me a great
and awesome job; maybe the job that Joss Whedon is my boss. (Cross fingers)
So let’s
talk for a moment shall we? Well more like I’ll write, post this and have lots
of people read it but not you. I know you’re busy with your life and you don’t
need some college friend hanging around you like some lost puppy. (Not lost
just slowly wandering through life looking for a path) That’s all well and
good, and yes I know I’ve written to you and not heard anything back. It’s all
well and good no bad feelings about it.
I just
can’t keep ignoring the dreams and the feelings that I have that we need to
talk. What about? No clue, just we need to. Though I don’t expect you to call,
write or anything else so I guess this is my vain attempt at talking about
this. Writing to you as if talking to you would clear up this pain in my ear,
the headache in my head and the sense of loss in my heart; in some ways I feel
better I’m getting this out and not keeping it to myself anymore.
In
otherwise I feel bad about it. Horrible actually. All these years of caring
about you and hoping things are going well; missing you. I’ve tried closing the
door, grieving for you and then moving on. When I think I’m done and there are
days or even months without thinking about you; it comes back like a haunting
memory. I don’t stalk you; I don’t even look for you on line. My last message
to you was my good bye; my last letter to allow me to move on. The only letter
I ever said I love you in. Yet, as if some damn higher power is giving me this
horrid ear ache because I wasn’t listening to them to write to you again; here
I am.
Typing
away and knowing that it will sit out there, people will read it and I might
still have this ear ache making myself look like an ass just to reach out and
get this need out of me. I know that and understand it. My heart and my inner
child say you’ll read this and reach out to me. Maybe with a nod, or a little
note; though my inner child says you’ll call. I know you’re far too stubborn
for that and will read it and let it go like you have done in the past.
I guess
I want to say I worry, I care and I hope things are good. I miss the friend I
had and long for the friend you are now. I miss the man that I could go to
about anything and he could help me. Even if you can’t help me get a job; you’re
words and actions always led me to believe you could do anything. I know I
might have done something when I got married; and I didn’t mean to hurt you if
I did.
If
there is any thought that I rejected or didn’t think you’d be something
wonderful; you’re so wrong. I know I made a large mistake and if I have to be
alone to pay for it; I understand. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m so sorry
and I wish I had picked you. But now winter has come and I must understand that
no matter what it just wasn’t met to be and I do wish you happiness. I will
point out with all my blathering and blithering I am sick and my headache has
gotten worse. So I’m not even sure if this is making sense anymore. It might
not.
I just
know there is so much I wish I could say I was sorry for that there isn’t a
blog big enough to go on about it. I’m just tired and wishing to lean against
you and you can take this pain in my ear away; give me a hug and tell me things
will get better. I know I’m your average middle aged woman that is a bit curvy
and hasn’t lost much weight. I know I’m not the beautiful women you probably see
on a daily basis. I’m me, short round and happy me. I won’t forget my promise
to you, you won’t be alone. I’m here, not waiting but riding alongside you in a
car not talking much to each other. We might see different things, have
different experiences but in the end we’re still in the car just looking out of
different windows.
Alright
the pain in my ear is strong enough I’m going to go lay down for a bit. Take
care of yourself and I hope you’re doing okay and thing are well.
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