Hello Lovelies!
I hope that everything is going well with you all. Things
have been a bit crazy and sadly now a bit disheartening. I have always hope
that one day I’d find the one. That special one that would be my partner in
life. I recently suffered a setback.
He was a friend that had the promise to be something more
and when I posed the question to him; he pulled away and left. Did this hurt?
Yes, but I realized something in him leaving. Naturally it wasn’t meant to be.
The pain of rejection and the loss of hope is being mourned and I’m not looking
at the moment while I say good-bye in my own way. It feels like I wasn’t good
enough for being friends just good for an emotional tease.
I look back at what happened letting him set the pace this
time, letting him admit feelings when he was ready wasn’t working for me. It
wasn’t that I was going too fast or he was going too slow. It was the way
things were presented and the illusion of how things were. One day we’re close,
the next we’re just friends; to another day I start to feel things but pull
myself back.
You see we met last year and right off the bat it was a
whirl wind set romance; until the middle of January something happened and he
changed completely. Gone was the man I was learning about, starting to know and
fall for and came a man that was distant and aloof. Slowly we drifted apart until
silence prevailed.
Then July happened; and after that cluster fuck of drama
that ensued he came back into my life. About mid-August there was the
understanding we’d try again and he had feelings for me. I presented him a
question almost two months after to see if he wanted to be friends or something
more. He wanted to be friends and then backed away completely.
Yes, I am lost and confused by this. I have spent the
weekend going over it time and time again to see what happened; what did I miss
and where did it all go wrong. I can’t see that I did anything wrong. Bad
timing, he’s own feelings not being truly understood and just at different
periods in our lives. I am sad and working past it. I’m not trying to hold
anything on it, or over think it death. This is pretty much the last time I’ll
talk about it, so I’m purging all of my emotions while writing this out.
I’ve always strived to be the ‘good woman’; the honest one
that would be willing to do anything for those that I cared about. I would be
willing to wait and willing to hope that he’d come back. I’d pretty much put my
life on hold until that person found themselves and came back. This is the
second time he left me hanging. I’m not going to wait for a third time. It is
time to move on, time to be me and not hold myself back anymore.
So where does this leave me now? Leaves me again at step
one; looking for the right one. It’s making me see who is really there for me
and to see who my friends truly are. Without them it would be rather hard to
get through things like this. The self-doubt, the self-insecurities, all of the
negative things that happens after with a ‘break up’. The worries and scares
about being let go and forced back out into the world of what the fuck to do.
I know I’m not alone though in the sea of being friends with
married and engaged people; seeing them happy and in love; I miss that. I wish
I had that. I’m not jealous at all, not at all. I know the struggles and am so
thrilled to see others together. It gives me hope that it will happen to me as
well. I don’t want love that is just there to make me feel less single. I want
love that is meant to be and will last for many many years to come. I know it
is something I have to wait for but for how long?
How long does one truly have to wait, have to search, have
to hope before they find that person? Will the other one recognize them when
you find them or are they looking elsewhere and miss you completely? I honestly
would love for The One to just show up at my doors step and say “Here I am”. Though
sadly its easier said than done.
I’m trying to hold onto hope, a sign that he’s out there. I
can hope that he is striving for the best possible partner out there like I am.
The greatest gift one can give someone else is true love and trust, maybe one
day I’ll be able to give that to a true love. Well that is my little tale of
woe about relationships; I hope that the future is kind to me and helps me through
this.
I would like to say thank you to all of those that have
helped me this weekend. From lovely works and sound advice, and for the words
of encouragement and insight into my personality and character. Thank you to
those that stayed with me, and talked to me through this. You are all wonderful
and dear people that I couldn’t be prouder to call friends and family. Thank
you.
As always,
Best Wishes,
Junie
Junie
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