How’s
it going? I hope things are well and today I feel a bit reflective. As you know
I’ve never had to walk in my daughter’s shoes before. Well never thought I’d
have to, she’d have to walk in mine. As things go on with her father, I always
had this guilty feeling that I didn’t give her what I had as a child. A proper
family aka a nuclear one; you know a father, mother and siblings. What she has
is my parents (her grandparents), my grandmother (her great grandmother) and my
brother (her uncle) as her ‘nuclear’ family. Not to say her father isn’t in her
life, more he lives a bit away and isn’t overly involved in her life unless he
believes his visitation is due and he contacts me.
I have
to think at times if the proper nuclear family isn’t what she needed but more it
was what I wanted for her; and in turn that the family she has now is what she
needed far more. I’m not going to say anything about her father; nothing needs
to be said about him. I’m merely reflecting that the way I was brought up wasn’t
or might not have been as effective as how she was.
I
remember finding it a treat to go to my grandparents’ houses and that it was
like a vacation for me. A time I could get away with things because I was the
grandchild and my parent’s rules didn’t apply to their homes. She lives with
her grandparents and has to abide by their and my rules; so there is not that
little vacation where she can be free. Not to say she doesn’t have her
enjoyments; but she’s required to do chores around the home.
I can
just imagine the lack of support or how things could have fell through the
cracks if I didn’t have the extra eyes around. When she was younger I was
working full time and had a career; so I didn’t see everything. I don’t know if
I was with a husband if he would have caught it either. From what I see due to
the extra eyes and just how much they love and care for her; they are better at
watching out for things and tending quickly to what needs to be taken care of.
Its
true I haven’t dated since the divorce and haven’t remarried due to my need to
give her a stable home environment. I feel this is the family she needed to
show her what a stable home was like, what a true family was instead of the constant
flux of in and out marriages someone else might have/had. I did want her to see
that we have to put others wants and needs above our own; to make sure they are
happy and okay.
So my
need to give her a family might have always been the family she has now; and I
should stop feeling guilty about it. Maybe this is what she needed instead of
what I wanted; and in truth I’m rather glad and grateful for the extra pair of
eyes. Though mind you, they do not under mind my authority as a parent nor do
they parent her around me. I am her mother and their roles have been decided a
long time ago. I guess that in thinking of trying to get out there again to
possibly date again, I have to look at that she’s okay and so am I.
The
stigma of dating a pre-made family has started to drift away and he wouldn’t be
raising her; we’ve done that for him. I guess in looking for a ‘companion’
(Hey, even a human can look for one so nah nah any Whovian’s out there.) I’m
not looking for someone to help me raise her; my family has helped do a
wonderful job in that already.
I hope
that in the years to come as she gets ready to graduate from high school, she’ll
be happy to see all of us in one long row waving and cheering her on. That is
myself, her grandparents, great grandmothers, her uncle and her grandmother on
her father’s side. I’m sure her father with a guest (step mother or otherwise)
and they will be providing support as well.
I just
hope she knows that what I meant to give her as a family was well intended and
the family she received was the one she needed more so. My good intentions
might have paved the way but in the end she’s a happy, bright and rather loving
young woman that I hope makes a lovely and wonderful name for herself. Andin
the end creates the family she wants and needs all at the same time.
As Always,
Junie
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