I knew it would come up more and more since I’m putting
myself out there more and more. As in my past blog; I touched on a few things
that well weren’t the happiness in my life. (Hank Green’s vlog on abuse) Well
on the single adult nerdfighter’s group on Facebook someone posed a poll done
about ‘When is Rape Okay?’ as seen here (http://www.thescoopng.com/photo-of-the-day-when-is-rape-okay/)
This was taken I believe from the little snippet below it in 2003.
I was,
as you know, in such a way back in 1984. I was only eight years old. I never
told anyone until I was an adult about it. First to my parents and then you to
and then to a chosen few others. Who did this? A boy trying to get into a gang
that was coming into the neighborhood. Did he know what he was doing? No, and
nor do I think if he understood; he wouldn’t have done it. I was threatened
yes, boys much much older than me threatened my parents’ and brother’s lives if
I said anything.
My
mother had was recovering from cancer and had been able to start back to school
to gain skills to go back to work. I was in a strict catholic grade school
being picked on daily for being a geek, nerd and a mouse looking girl. I didn’t
want anything to happen to my family, I was ashamed and thought that God didn’t
love me. I had done something so terribly wrong and so horribly unforgivable that
this was my punishment. I had to be better at everything and with a girl who
has a learning disability it’s hard to fathom what to do with all this pent up
anger and rage.
Welcome
to fights and using my helplessness as a wonderful fuel against my bullies.
Sure for the next four or so years I had more detentions than I did recess to
go out and play after lunch. My bullies didn’t realize that what they did to me
was show I could survive anything and live. And as I type this, I’m having a
panic attack remembering this; so if I don’t make sense for a bit I’m trying to
calm myself down.
My
bullies would make fun of me, hit me and try to get me to lose my cool. I did –many-
times, but in that I learned how to fight and stand up for myself. I learned
how not to put myself in the situation where I could be taken advantage of
physically again. I was the girl that would put her nose in a book to avoid the
real world; I would disappear in a sci fi book or maybe even some random
mystery. The boys would try to find flaws and crack and exploit them not
realizing they had already been exploited and horribly pried open to the point
I was a savage animal trying to lick my wounds and hide.
Do I
blame these boys for doing this to me? No, their torment taught me how to
handle my anger and rage. How to grow a thick skin and learn that if you don’t
respect the person you don’t respect their words. I learned so much about
people during those years how to learn to trust but not too much. How to learn
to accept a person’s word only to make measure them up to their word by their
actions that followed. It’s how I know that in the future no matter how hard
things get, I know I’ll survive it.
So what
do I think about the culture we live in? We are horroribly desensitized as to
how we respect and treat one another. We have forgotten that we are individuals
that owe not a damn thing to anyone else unless we offer it. The ‘entitlement’
that people have now, that has been growing since the 60’s and the 70’s is just
astounding. It doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have, who your
parents’ are; or right down to it what you think you deserve. It comes down to
how –YOU- show –RESPECT- to people and appreciate them for what they do in your
life. (Not yours, I’m sure you show your appreciation to everyone in your life)
In
reading those study questions in the link I have above. The questions are just assanine.
I don’t give a F#$K how much money, how turned on, their sex life, if they are
stoned or drunk, touches wherever, let them on, gets them excited, dated for a
while or was going to but changed mind; if the person says no get the F#@K off
of them and stop it. And I didn’t say he or she; I do know several men who are
survivors as well.
It’s
not the fact we had to go through this for a reason, though I’d like to think
that in my stories of what I’ve gone through if I can inspire someone to take a
better path in life then it was worth it. What happened to us was something
horrid and unfortunate; wickedly cruel and horribly mind changing. We survived,
we have pressed on and we have a great more empathy in the world than most. You’ll
never hear me use the word ‘rape’ casually like many of my fellow gamers do.
You’ll never hear me talk about it on live stream. When the word is throw out
in chat, I do my best to change the word.
When
talking about a boss just wrecking face on a raid and just slaughtering us; I
don’t use the word rape to describe the slaughter. Many do and I find that
horribly damning to ourselves to allow such a word to become as common in our
language as milk. Its not a word that should ever be used to describe anything
other than a horrid act done to someone by another.
Has
this changed my view on men and dating? Again after the divorce and the several
years of mental and emotional abuse; I can say it was a factor from the start.
Will this stop me from starting friendships and dating? It does make me nervous
to meet new people but how are we to grow if we don’t learn to face things. I
haven’t dated since the divorce and for me that’s fine; I’m not in a hurry while
I’m raising the child.
All in
all I’m okay. I’m better than who I was before; I have learned to let go and how
to do daily personality excerisies to keep myself happy. Oh and keeping myself
happy; I’m the only one that can do it and allow it. Might as well do it while
I can. It’s all I can do really until I can find a full time job.
I just
hope that in the future people get to understand how to pick their words better
and how to care for their fellow human being and allow them the same respect
they are wishing back. Alright off the soap box.
As Always,
Junie
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