Yeah, the job search thing isn’t going so hot. It’s failing
kind of miserably and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I fill out a lot of apps
and go to stores weekly; it doesn’t seem to be enough. The ‘office’ jobs I
could have had are gone; and I’m stuck with part time work that is only
scheduling me for one day a week.
Yes, I’ve
talked to the managers. One manager doesn’t have the hours or the funds; I
understand because it gives me a discount on my school books which I need. The
other job the manager just nods her head but because I don’t fit into their
clique I lose out on the hours.
There
are events I want to go to; plus a trip I have to save for. It’s hard to do
that only making 90 dollars and 71 dollars every two weeks respectfully. It’s
hard to be a mom and handle a teenager on that as well. I’m a smart woman; but
its hard to get passed that first interview.
Don’t
even get me started on the weight issue. I was just reminded today that I need
to loose weight before the trip and well I haven’t. Eating the right foods,
work out and everything that I’ve done doesn’t lose a pound off of me. I don’t
know what I’m doing wrong and wishing I can find something I can do right for a
change.
Maybe the
ex was right saying I’m nothing and won’t accomplish anything in my life. I
try, oh gods do I try not to believe it. Remember that email I sent to you days
after I was laid off? You had some leads for me but then I didn’t hear from you
after that. I heard that a lot from my friends, co-workers and such. Promises
for help and yet left to my own devices.
I’ve
been trying so hard these three years to bounce back to clean up things and
make things right with the world. I’ve been on linked in making contacts and
yet no offers or hires. My skill set is so broad that no one wants my
experience and for what I’m going back to school for I don’t have the
experience to get those jobs either.
I’m
just a pile of frustrated mess right now and only writing to you to make sense
of it all. Really that’s what this blog was for to make sense of it all and I’m
confused as hell right now. I know you and others aren’t going to sweep down
and save me; rescue me from this. Everyone is busy with their own problems and
their own needs. It seems I’m there for everyone but when it comes to someone
being there for me everyone is too busy.
I
understand they all have lives to lead and I’m not saying poor little me. Just
a friendly call, or an inspiring email; something to lift the spirits up. I
just am having one of those ‘Oh god what do I do moments’ when everything I had
hoped and dreamed kind of falls a part in my hands and I’m left holding pieces
to a puzzle that I have no idea what the picture was.
I’m
babbling and rabbling I’m just lost right now Mike. For all the words I can
write, the inspiration I can give; I’m trying to soldier on but I am human as
well. I need to be inspired; to be touched and cared for as well.
It’s
hard sitting here, writing this and as the tears are falling hoping spell check
is catching all the oopsies and mistypes. First time I really let my emotions
go like this. Letting them vent and showing a bit of me on this blog; not the
self-assured gamer but a woman that doesn’t have her shit together but is
trying so fucking hard to that at times it kills the spirit to see what I have
to do.
I won’t
wish you here; or hope you’d call. I know you won’t; and yet I still write to
you. I still beg in this for some wisdom from you to come through and help me
through this. To tell me to chin up and look here for work or pat me on the
shoulder and tell me it’s going to be okay that job you want is right around
the corner just hang tight. I know I was stupid when I was younger, pushed you
away and made myself pretty much the last person you’d talk to. I understand
and recognize my mistake; you moved on and that’s great.
I don’t
long for the past; I just am frightened of the future. What will it bring and
will I be able to handle it for the kid’s sake? I’m trying so hard to be the
mom I wanted to be to the kiddo; I can only hope that in the future my past
will show I did a bang up job. Even though we only shared a kiss once a long
time ago; the kiddo has your eyes. Lovely shade of blue that at times when I
talk to the kiddo; the wisdom that comes out is amazing. As if there is a
channel between the two of you and it’s my only hope for sanity. Though I won’t
to the kid about this; it’s not something they need nor do they need to know
the stress I’m under. Sometimes I want the kid to think I’m okay, and that I
have things figured out. One little illusion so the kid doesn’t think I’m that
much of an oddity of a mom that doesn’t have a career or a plan of what to do
for the future.
If you
ever do find these blogs and read this one; I do wonder what your response
would be. Would it be to chin up, find a job and ride the ride until its through
or hang in there that dream job is just around the corner; here let me show
you. At times I think that I’m just dreaming this nightmare of three years;
that I’ll wake up and it’s back to the grind and I have a full time gig. Not
the gig I wanted but it paid the bills. What I wanted/want needs to be created for
me; and I’m trying.
Keep reading
that ‘Secret’ and the laws of attraction; I keep hoping and when reality smacks
me hard like it is now. I have to wonder did I fail yet again? Did I make
another mistake and will pay for it again? Seems that’s all I do, and in trying
to get it right I keep getting it wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Indeed.com isn’t working for me, job fairs, and the like aren’t the answer. I’m
just at a loss in what to do; if you speak to me in dreams that would be
awesome because it seems I sleep a lot more instead of wallowing in depression.
Speaking of which … off to dream and lift this depression off for now.
As Always,
Junie
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